Hey! Wow, what a week… time for another disclaimer before you read:
On March 24th, my university decided to extend our remote learning period from April 13th to the rest of the semester given the severity of the COVID-19 outbreak and New York state’s robust measures to contain the virus. In turn, commencement practices have been postponed and a live-stream event will take place on the day we were supposed to graduate. Like my previous post, I’m not here to demote the severity of COVID-19, I just wanted to share my feelings (again) about the abrupt end of my college career. It feels weird and in all honesty, I don’t really know how to comprehend it.
I’m sure there are a lot of seniors out there feel similarly to what I’m feeling. I hope that sharing some of my reflections can make you feel a little less alone in this time.
Yesterday morning, I was starting a new reality of '“remote learning”. I really thought to myself that it was only going to be temporary, that normal life would continue in a matter of weeks. I already started making a set routine to cope: I worked out in the morning, changed into clothes I’d normally wear to class, listened to my lectures during the times we’d actually have class. I started to feel in control.
Yeah, I can do this. This is fine. Everything is fine. Deep self-reflection about not being on campus right now? Who is she? We don’t need negative energy ruining this vibe. I’m totally okay.
Yet, when I received the email from the university’s president in the afternoon about the rest of the semester remaining online as well as the complete uncertainty of graduation, I fell into complete shock.
It’s really over.
It feels like I’m in a bad rom com where you’re going through a tough break up, but in this case, it’s an entire university instead of an unapologetic guy. And quite honestly it feels like you confidently told the guy it’s over, but in reality you never really wanted him to leave the room.
I know that my classes aren’t technically over, but it really feels like the end. All those mundane moments I had on campus the week prior to spring break were actually my last.
I had worked so hard to see a big, glowing finish line everyone raves about. I’ve waited for that moment; getting all dressed up in my oversized cap and gown to stumble across the stage nervously awaiting my big ole diploma. Will I be able to do that now?
As soon as the email came out, the Class of 2020 Facebook group exploded. I read all of the posts and their comments, word by word. I saw the same sadness, fear, anger, and frustration I saw right before spring break. Yet, there was such a sense of togetherness, like we were all back in the Hoot Owl, crying through the pain with a bucket of Labatt Blues. But I weirdly felt guilty. Like I didn’t really belong… almost as if I wasn’t supposed to feel the way everyone else seemed to feel.
Your girl, deep self reflection, showed up once again.
My experiences in college were not completely rosy and picturesque like the ones quoted in the Facebook posts. I’m not here to tell you a sob story or throw a pity party (and social gatherings aren’t ideal at the moment anyways), but I wouldn’t consider it the best four years of my entire life.
College for me, in all honesty, was a time of incredible growth rather than one continuous, jam-packed party full of nostalgia and “good times”. It was a time where I realized that I needed to make decisions to better myself rather than to appease everyone around me. It was also a time when I realized that I wasn’t going to be liked by everyone. Moreover, it was a time where I realized that my decisions, my opinions, my actions, even my personality wasn’t going to be enjoyed by every person I’d meet. Even if it felt like I was doing everything right, some people were just not the right people to be around… and that was okay. College was a time where I learned what it meant to be a good friend, what it truly meant to look out for someone else and to accept what it meant when someone was trying to help you.
The weekend before we received news about the initial remote learning period, there was a moment where I felt closure and I didn’t even realize I did until I started writing this post.
It was at Titus.
Yeah, that’s right, Titus of all places. 54 miles away from campus.
That Saturday, the sun shined a little brighter than usual in the North Country. I woke up to make-shift mimosas in the townhouse, suited in the most ridiculous outfit I’d ever wear with a thick google spray-tan, and headed towards the buses. I spent most of that day singing, dancing, laughing, skiing (duh), connecting with new people. It was the first time in a while that I felt completely content about everything, and most importantly… myself. It was one of those days where you really didn’t want it to end.
That was my last extremely happy moment being a college student. It was a day where I wasn’t worried about the future and its unknowns.
So… what now? I guess keep singing, dancing, laughing, skiing, connecting like I did on party mountain.
Keep moving forward.
